13 Unusual Jobs
13 Unusual JobsWhere I went to school in a small town, a class called Career Education was offered to those of us morons who did not want to take a second language (a clever career orientated maneuver). However, ideas for the future seemed to be limited to a career as a farmer, rancher, grain elevator agent, teacher or banker. With no outside-the-box-thinking teachers, our impressionable young minds maintained their path. However, it is time to grow a better garden!
For the students today, here is a compiled list of 13 under-the-radar and unusual jobs that your Career Education teacher probably never thought to tell you about!
Here is to your future!
Model Body-Painter – How do you feel about naked and toned bodies? Yay! Yea, we all like that! Do you like to paint? Well, put the canvas away pal. No more forests, food and fjords for you. You new canvas is will be ‘skin’. You next task will be turning that muff into a lions tail. Get those brushes out! Today is your lucky day. You will be Body-Painting Models.
Ice Cream Tester – Feeling underweight? Insecure about your image because you can not pack on the pounds? Tried going to the gym and it was counter-productive? If you have a sweet-tooth and a craze for cavities, well we have a future for you. This is the optimal career to get you into that oh so elusive ‘disability weight-class’ in no time at all. The future is yours so eat your heart out! You are an Ice Cream Tester.
*Lactose tolerant only please.
Professional Mourner – It is one of those unusual jobs, yet it has a regular place in society. Can you cry on demand? If you have dated me, it seems like you probably can… Instead of a ploy to get what you want, now you can get paid for it instead! Think of the free sandwiches at the funerals! All those years of crocodile tears, salty drippings of emotion, and wasted waterworks when you could have been earning a wage instead… You are a Professional Mourner, and you are as good at it as it gets.
Eddie the Monster of Iron Maiden – Ever wanted to tour the world in a jet, piloted by the lead singer of a metal-band, just so that you can dress as a monster and walk around on the stage in front of 85,000 people at a music festival, and while everyone is rocking out Bruce Dickinson reaches into your chest to rip out heart out and then throws it into a burning flame which then shoots off fireworks? Well, there is a job out there for that. Eddie, the Monster for the band Iron Maiden is a paid job, and it sounds like it is the gig you need.
Professional Cuddler – Who doesn’t like a good cuddle? Do you have the ‘spoon’ down to perfection? Is it possible that you have a system worked out where you know a position to not get the hair in the face? You say can do this for hours, just as long as you think un-sexy thoughts, ‘Oh Oh! Think about other things. No! Other things. Other things…! A dusty corner in a dirty house. A dusty corner in a dirty house. Stay on that. Stay…. Dusty corner in a dirty house… Stay…’ Maybe it is not easy money, but there is a salary to be made and demand when you are a Professional Cuddler.
Rent-A-Boyfriend – No, not a gigolo. Get that idea out of your head. Yes, I know you have thought about it. But, you know deep down inside that you will never do it anyhow. Perhaps it is because you are afraid of the shame you would bring your mother? Perhaps it is because you are afraid your might show up at a hotel and find your mother? Whatever the reason, you do not need to think about that anymore. Gigolos are out. Rent-A-Boyfriends are in. It is the new thing, like Tinder instead of Plenty of Fish, Facebook instead of Email, Uber instead of taxis, virtual sex instead of…what a minute… Rent-A-Boyfriend is a movement in Japan. You just thought about moving there didn’t you? Yea, me too. I was half way through this article when I checked flights to Tokyo. Imagine this scenario…it is a Tuesday, and some girl feels sad and lonely. She does not have a boyfriend but her friends do. She makes the phone call. You have to go to work. Your job is to save her from sadness. Rent-A-Boyfriend to the rescue! You are superhero of the day! Take her to the movies and put your arm around her. Hold her hand when you are walking down the sidewalk. That is your job! All for cold hard cash! You are a Rent-A-Boyfriend.
*If anyone has any information on acquiring Japanese working visas, get in touch!
Iceberg Mover – “What do you do?” “I am an accountant.’ “What do you do?” “I am a lawyer.” “What do you do?” “I am an iceberg mover.” Look who just played a trump card! You just gained the attention of the entire room. And you make boatloads of money. Good job being the coolest person in your hemisphere. Yea, you hate that same guy with the glasses and the tarmac-perfect hair in every crowd who makes the same joke, “Where were you when the Titanic set sail?” ‘Umm, it should be fairly clear to you that I wasn’t born yet, Chump.’ Whatever. His girlfriend will probably discretely slip you her phone number by the end of the evening. Everyone wants to know more about the Iceberg Mover.
Pick-Up Artist – Think you have a knack with the ladies? You were able to get the prettiest girl on your bus route in the small town where you grew up? There is a future for you! This is one of those unusual jobs that you already have a natural flare for. You could be showing off you psychological prowess and sleek seduction style…for cash! Cha-ching! You are a smooth operator operating correctly, and you know the ladies at the STI clinic by first name. You are the envy of every man and a hero to all who will fork over wads of cash for you to share your secrets. You could single-handedly influence Darwin’s Theory of Evolution to help the weak survive! You are a Pick-Up Artist.
Fortune Cookie Writer – Wondering what to do with your Bachelor of Arts philosophy degree that your parents dropped $60k on? Does is seem like your folks have stopped social-media commenting on the photos of you wearing tie-dye purple pants whilst sporting dread-locks in India? Did they recently hint at a career? Well, run this idea through the purple haze in your brain…‘philosophical summaries of the future in one sentence’… Get that CV sent in! A job was made for you! You are a Fortune Cookie Writer.
*Bonus if you like the taste of flour, sugar, vanilla and sesame seed oil!
Contraband Destroyer – “We are glad you are here. We’ve got some things that need to be eradicated. Can you find a place to get rid of this smuggled rocket launcher, this case of cherry moonshine, this crate of pepper-spiced beef-jerky, and this block of Lebanese blonde hash? You can? Great! We heard about you. They say you really know how to get rid of illegal contraband and they say that you are the best in the business! I hope you will take our laundered cash for your hard work because that is all we have!” They had it right. You are a freaking great Contraband Destroyer. You are making a difference!
Airplane Reposession Man – Do not have a pilot license? Not to worry, you can probably get around that! Are you thinking that you want an adventurous career? Rumour has it that there is a Boeing 747 that Bono has not made a payment on, sitting in a small airport in Turkmenistan protected by a pack of rogue dogs, a sounder of wild boars, and a knot of pythons with fragments of glass shards attached to their bodies. We could be sending you in for it. Boeing will give you ten cents on the dollar for the value of the aircraft. What do you think? Are you a stealthy rebel child? Just think of your story by-line and sticker at speed-dating events – (Hello, my name is) ‘Airplane Reposession Man.’
Garbage Detective – Sick of your un-environmentally-friendly scumbag neighbour not respecting the German rules by mixing the recyclable, the food waste and the paper together in one bag of trash that he leaves out for the unassuming garbage man to think it is ‘only’ waste? You could hedge your house on a bet that there are probably also ‘AAA’ batteries in that plastic sack… Time for you to take that SOB down! This will be the last time. Your job? Garbage detective. You tear his black plastic bags apart with aggressive force in front of him, point to the mess on the ground screaming, “Look at it! Look at it! Look at it!” before vomiting on your shoes in anger at the carelessness of humanity while his arrest is made. It is hard on your soul but it is all in a day’s work. It is one of those unusual jobs where you are saving the planet…on a government income. You are the Garbage Detective.
Body Part Model – Yea, you have hairy nipples and the discoloration in the corner of your right iris makes most people uncomfortable when you make eye contact. No problem. You have the most amazing wrists that anyone has ever seen. Gucci has just offered to buy the rights to the platform of your wrists for the next three years to use at their leisure for photos of their watches. And then just when you were going to sign the dotted line, your agent stops you because the big fish, Rolex, is on his gold-plated phone with an offer that will double the measly six figures in which Gucci was offering. Apparently, Dwayne, Rolex’s regular wrist-model, just had a nasty fall while ice-skating when he tripped over his scarf and broke his money-maker. You are now the best goddamn wrist model on the planet…
That was very clever and witty! Thanks!